Sunday, January 23, 2011

While I'm Off The Subject Lets Talk About My Daughter

For those of you yet without a child of your own I recommend you immediately go out and get yourself one. They're pricey and they eat a lot and they don't usually come house broken but without one your life is not only incomplete but right side up.

At the moment my house is perfectly in order and entirely upside down as it should be with a teenager in the house and a younger brother to give the teenager fits worthy of her own reality show.

The real joy, however, is the moment by moment realization that she is smarter, better looking and has an infinitely brighter future than I ever dreamed of at the same age. It also means she has a boyfriend.

Now I'm not saying boyfriends are bad. I'm just saying they are of the devil and should be exercised by a priest with a bottle of holy water and a castrating tool. I'm even willing to help just to show my support for the church. I can be a bit of a religious zealot like that.

To make matters worse he's a nice young man. By young man I mean one still croaking his way into manhood and still small enough to carry comfortably in a knapsack. Not that I have. He's too squirmy. And smart enough not to come within ten feet of the sack.

The real problem is that as my daughter continues to mature she acts less and less like a wind up toy that giggles and walks in circles and more like a woman. You know what I mean, a highly intelligent whirling dirvish that makes me dizzy enough to fall down even after I've already fallen down.

How did this happen? Where did the little girl go that once married me in the living room and it wasn't the least bit weird. What happened to tickle fights and cuddle time while watching Sponge Bob? God I miss Sponge Bob. Maybe not so much Sponge Bob but the moments that went with it.

Don't give me that crap about kids growing up. The next thing you'll tell me is I have to let her go. Give her room to grow wings and fly. You can kiss my fatherly arse with all that nonsense. Time is meant to stand still. I know that. I'm living proof. Why is everyone else moving?

But time doesn't mind me and the boyfriend keeps coming over and its really quite annoying. Despite my better judgment I even like the kid. Sadly, there will be no 911 calls, no charges for assault and battery and no documentary about the disgruntled dad who tried to turn back time and got 20 to life for his efforts.

I was thumbing through some songs this evening that I wrote a few years ago. One was apparently in anticipation of this very day. It's called December Into June. I apparently was much more mature before my daughter reached puberty. I leave you with the lyrics. They convey the patience and understanding I so desperately lack at the moment.

Do you remember when
You were just an ember
I held you and I loved you through
The dark days of December
But you keep getting older
Each day a little bolder
One day you will fly away
And leave me far behind and say

Hey now don’t wait around
‘cause I’m not coming down
Hey now don’t wait around
‘cause I’m not coming down

Don’t hurry to be older
Don’t believe it’s any better
Don’t climb out of the hole you’re in
Just to find a bigger hole
I see in your expression
You’ve yet to form the question
The thing that will define you when
The world around you burns

Hey now don’t wait around
‘cause I’m not coming down
Hey now don’t wait around
‘cause I’m not coming down

 If you looked any better
You’d impact the weather
And December would be changed to June
I could not be prouder
Or sing your praises louder
Or worry harder every time
I watch you stepping out

Hey now don’t wait around
‘cause I’m not coming down
Hey now don’t wait around
‘cause I’m not coming I'm not coming down